What to Do If You Think Your Spouse Is Having an Affair

Keep Your Mouth Shut. I have often said that the stupidest question ever asked is, “Are you having an affair?” If they are, they are going to deny it and start a better cover up the process, and hate you for ruining their fun. If they aren’t, they’ll hate you for thinking they would do such a thing. So, keep your mouth shut and look for evidence.

Maintain The Same Appearance in the Home. Don’t act any differently than you always do. Maintain the same habits and conduct. Don’t be defensive or sarcastic, but, on the other hand, don’t be patronizing. Do nothing to arouse suspicions.

Collect Evidence. Look for cell phone bills with calls on them for long periods of time or at odd hours such as very late at night or early Sunday morning. Check text messages on your spouse’s phone (without them knowing it). Check emails on the computer. Be careful about this, however, because checking unread emails may be a violation of federal law. Check with a lawyer on this. Look in your spouse’s purse or wallet when you get a chance. Check their car or glove box. Examine credit card bills for odd charges such as to Victoria’s Secret.

Hire A Detective. Meet with a detective and give him all of the evidence you have. Tell him about your spouse’s habits and customs. Tell him work hours, and places he or she likes to frequent. Give him a picture of your spouse and his or her car. If you have a suspicion about a particular person, give him a picture of that person and a description of their work hours and habits. Plan a trip out of town (with your children if you have them) and then have the detective watch your spouse while you are away.

Protect Finances. When a marriage is in trouble, you need to be extra vigilant about your finances. If assets are held in joint accounts where your spouse may be able to take all of them, then watch these assets closely. You may want to consult with a lawyer about whether you should move to protect the assets or should take part or all of them. By the same token, protect your credit. If there are credit cards or a line of credit that can be used by your spouse, be vigilant as to the use. Once again, you may want to check with a lawyer on the wisdom and timing of cutting off your spouse’s access to the credit, if warranted.

Avoid “Condonation.” If you have knowledge your spouse is having an affair, do not have sex with them and “resume the marital relationship.” Doing so could constitute legal forgiveness of the past conduct. Consult with a lawyer once you have evidence of a relationship.

Don’t Act Without Consulting a Lawyer. Once a person has evidence of adultery, there is a temptation to take some revenge. Examples of revengeful actions are: telling the spouse’s employer to get him fired, telling the paramour’s spouse, turning the offending spouse into a professional or regulatory agency for some conduct that might get them in trouble, or telling the offending spouse’s family or friends about the affair. No such actions should be taken without consulting a lawyer. Such actions typically gain no advantage for the offended spouse and usually result in damage. Once again, once you have evidence, keep your mouth shut–as hard as that might be–and consult with a lawyer.

If You Think You Need A Lawyer, You DO! If you get the feeling at any time that you might need to talk with a lawyer, you do. Once you are in a situation where enough is going on that you are worried about your legal circumstances, you should consult with a lawyer. If the lawyer simply tells you that you have nothing to worry about, the money is still well spent because it will provide relief. On the other hand, if you get a lawyer involved in your legal situation soon enough, they can prevent a lot of damage and steer you through your legal situation more successfully than if you wait.

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